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March 15, 2024
Irish Guys: All The Wrong Stuff.
Saint Patrick's Day is on Sunday.
For starters, be advised that real Irish-American males do not wear green on March 17. They do the same things they do any other day, to wit:
A. Get up
B. Inhale aspirin
C. Dress as usual: Dockers, clean "Guinness"-emblazoned golf shirts if there's an important meeting
D. Work, kind of
E. Read, with difficulty (don't count on Ulysses)
F. Head to a real bar (not ones with faux-Irish names like "The Dubliner" or the generic "Irish Bar")
G. Tell stories
H. Listen to some music (rarely Irish tunes)
I. Get drunk; and
J. Fall down on the floor.
I happen to know I'm Irish--maybe too Irish--and as Irish as they come. One great-grandmother, a Belfast Protestant named McQuitty, provides most of the DNA there. In my case, that's 7% of my genetic makeup and, believe me, it's enough. If you're not a slam dunk at proving you're Really Irish--e.g., your parents' names are Flanagan and Murphy, and those are their first names--and want to know for sure if you've got All The Wrong Stuff, here's a test you can take and decide for yourself:
1. All your brothers and sisters are in Alcoholics Anonymous.
2. You talk incessantly and in your sleep and for no reason.
3. Captivated audiences--e.g., juries and Rhodes and Marshall scholarship selection committees--take months and often years to realize that nothing you said made sense.
4. Your idea of foreplay is '"I'm home! Brace yourself, Brigit!"
5. Distant relatives in County Cork list "wearing trousers" and "dwarf-tossing" on resumes.
6. You once read "Angela's Ashes" and secretly dread the first day your wife or girlfriend humiliates you in front of your kids, your mates and the rest of the neighborhood.
7. For years after your last appointment psychiatrists beg you to take your money back.
8. You've spent 20 minutes on the phone giving long-distance relatives about to visit you a detailed report on the weather. You hang up, look out the window and see if you were right.
9. You make fun of Welsh people because they drink too much.
10. You're available at any time to speak at any length about any subject.
Pont Saint-Patrick, Cork 1900
Posted by JD Hull at March 15, 2024 01:19 PM
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